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Back to Chapter 3

***

Lisa doesn’t look at all surprised when they come inside to tell her they’re leaving right then and there.

“Hey, I was smart this time, I didn’t let my hopes get up that Dean would maybe stay with us. It was so good to have him back in our house for a little while, and you too, Sam,” Lisa says.

“Thanks, Lis,” Dean says, kissing the side of her head and holding her close for a long moment. He was stupid to ever imagine that he deserved a place in this woman’s life.

Lisa turns her head to whisper in Dean’s ear, “Seeing you with Sam for just this short while pointed out a big difference to me. I can see that you’re a complete person now. It’s so damn obvious, I’m kind of kicking myself for even hoping I could fix you. Sam was who you needed, not me. I’m really happy for both of you.”

Dean isn’t sure what she means, but whispers his thanks to her again anyway and steps back to stand next to Sam near the door.

Ben however is looking very sad to have Dean leave them so soon. He tries one last time to guilt Dean into staying a little longer. “I can’t believe you’re just leaving again. Don’t we count any more, Dean? I mean, they took me to fairyland or whatever that place was, because they thought I was your kid.”

Dean crouches down in front of Ben, hands on both of his shoulders. “Ben, you do count, of course you do. I will always love you and your mom, but I have a life that isn’t safe for you guys. You’re both worth too much to me to risk you again. I know it’s probably hard to understand.”

“You’re choosing to be with Sam and hunt instead of staying with us, that’s what I understand,” Ben pouts.

Dean feels his heart crumple a little at Ben’s words, but then he feels Sam’s hand land on his shoulder and realizes the choice he’s making today was never really a choice. Sam’s always been the reason, he always will be.

He sighs and looks Ben in the eye. “Yeah, I am, it’s who I am, Ben. I’m not father-material, no matter how much I’d like to be, I’m really really not. But I’m going to be out there doing my job because I want to keep people like you and your mom safe. You’ve been touched by this stuff three times now, you should be able to get what’s at stake.”

“I do, I guess. I’m just going to miss you is all,” Ben said, throwing his arms around Dean’s waist.

Dean hugs Ben to him and feels that divide within himself heal over. There isn’t enough of him left to love Ben and Lisa, not like they deserve. He is one hundred percent Sam’s and that is a fact he finally accepts as truth. Ben is right, that’s exactly what he’s choosing, and he’ll make that same choice every single time. “I’ll miss you guys, too. But we’ll work something out so I can come see you, okay?”

“Really?” Ben asks, looking completely surprised that Dean would make that offer.

“Yeah, Sam and I are always driving around the country. How about, if it’s okay with your mom, we’ll come by whenever we’re nearby. I can’t promise how often, but it’d be at least a few times a year.”

Lisa finally speaks up then, “Of course it’s okay, you and Sam are more than welcome here whenever you’re in the area. We’d both really love that.”

“Can I still text you and stuff?” Ben asks Dean .

“Of course, Sam’s always telling me I need to practice that anyway, aren’t you Sam?” Dean asks, straightening up to standing and looking over at Sam.

Sam laughs and shakes his head. “He’s kind of hopeless with it, Ben. But you can text me if you want to.”

Ben’s eyes go wide, and his mouth even drops open a little. “Really?”

Sam smiles and looks over at Lisa in question, she nods and smiles at him, wide and happy. Sam pulls his phone out and taps a few times. “What’s your number, dude?”

Ben rattles it off and Sam enters it, smiling to himself. The whole time Dean watches this exchange between the man he loves more than anything and the kid he’d hoped was his, he feels a different kind of happiness. It’s like a tiny glimmer of possibility, something they maybe might get if they’re good boys and do everything just right. Impossible probably, but maybe, just maybe it would work. Leave it to Sam to figure out how to give them a chance to still have a kid like Ben in their lives.

Sam gets a surprise goodbye hug from Ben and also one from Lisa. He’s red in the face as they head out to the car, waving and smiling back at them on the porch. Dean slaps him on the back a couple times, letting Sam know he did a good thing back there.

“Don’t ever do something like that leaving for my own good shit again, or I’ll kill you,” Dean growls once he’s got the door closed and the Impala started up. He waves a last goodbye to Lisa and Ben who’re standing arm-in-arm on their porch and takes off down the suburban street with an ostentatious roar of the engine.

“Got it,” Sam says with a grin, buckling his seat belt and arranging his feet in the passenger footwell.

Dean points the Impala east and heads towards Ann Arbor, it’s got a college town atmosphere he knows Sam likes and there’s a place that served the best Greek food he’d ever had. It’s only an hour and half, thanks to the road construction on highway ninety-four.  They eat at the Greek restaurant, a clean, small diner on the edge of the downtown college area, comfortably silent over their cups of lemon chicken rice soup. He steals some of Sam’s kalamata olives off his salad plate just to get a reaction.

“Hey, I was saving those for last,” Sam protests, trapping Dean’s fork with one big hand on the diner table between them.

“Aww poor baby, you can have some of my Moussaka to make up for it,” Dean says, forking up a big mess of beef and eggplant and holding it out to Sam.

Sam leans forward and slowly eats it off of Dean’s fork, his eyes going darker by the second as he watches Dean’s reaction.

Dean feels a swoop of lust slamming deep down in his belly, the still new and terrifying thought of what they are now, together. There’s so much he wants, and he wants it all right now.

“Mmmm, that’s goood,” Sam says, putting the extra letters into a vibration that travels through the fork that he’s still got in his mouth. It’s the only thing connecting them at this point and Dean feels it like Sam is vibrating his lips on the fingers that hold the fork. He traps Sam’s foot between his and Sam lets the fork out of his mouth.

“We done here?” Dean asks in a rush, standing up from his mostly finished dinner.

“I thought you’d want to get some Baklava or something for dessert,” Sam asks, still sitting on his side of the table.

Dean huffs and heads off to pay at the front counter. When Sam joins him, Dean hands him a small white paper bag with grease soaking through the bottom. “Here’s your stupid Baklava.”

“I’m going to eat this off of you later,” Sam whispers into Dean’s ear as he’s finishing paying their bill.

Dean goes red in the face and tosses another five on the counter, he grabs Sam’s hand and pulls him out the door of the diner, hustling him over to where they parked. He slams Sam up against the passenger door, standing up above him on the curb so they’re level for once and kisses Sam until his brother is left dazed and panting, barely clutching onto the bag of Baklava.

The search for a suitable motel is frantic after all that, maybe even a little unsafe. Sam’s hands are everywhere on him as he drives through downtown Ann Arbor. He finally finds the one he was hoping was still open and pulls into the parking lot. Dean shuts off the car and undoes his seatbelt, Sam is on him before he can even say anything, kissing him hard and intense. Pulling back to catch his breath he marvels at the darkness of Sam’s lust-blown eyes. He puts a hand up to Sam’s cheek and holds him away as he presses forward for more kisses.

“Let me go get us a room, okay? Don’t want our first time to be out in the damn parking lot, right?”

Sam brings a hand up to cover the one Dean’s got on his face and turns it so he can gently kiss Dean’s palm, holding Dean’s eyes the whole time. Dean feels his toes curl up in his boots at the look Sam is giving him. “I’ll hurry, okay? You get the bags out,” Dean says, handing Sam the keys and opening his door to get out.

He has to adjust himself before he can even manage to walk over to the manager’s office. While he’s chatting with the clerk he looks back towards their car and sees his brother leaning over into the trunk. The parking lot’s sodium lights highlighting the perfect curve of his ass. Dean has to lean into the counter a bit and adjust himself again. It’s never taken so long to get a damn room key.

Walking across the parking lot towards Sam, he feels a swell of emotion rise up, threatening to overwhelm his control. He has to stop walking to get himself together, but seeing his brother’s concern even from this far away helps more than he can even admit to himself. With every step that brings him closer, he throws off the hesitations and worries that will always be present, they don’t matter, only Sam does.

Sam takes the keycard from him and they open the door, jostling through together, their bodies which have always had a sort of magnetism even closer now. Dean closes the door and locks it, now they’re alone, and now what? His stomach kind of clenches with an anxious pulse that he knocks away with annoyance. Sam looks up just then and they’re drawn together, duffels dropping out of their hands.

It’s a frantic flurry of clothes being removed in various stages, with some giggles about boots not coming off to get their pants off quickly enough.

“Smooth there, Sammy, real smooth,” Dean teases, as Sam balances on one foot, one sock dangling from his toes being the only article of clothing he’s still wearing.

“You’ve still got both of your socks on, dude. And why are these still on?” Sam asks, tugging on Dean’s boxer briefs.

“Thought you might want to take care of those yourself,” Dean purrs into the side of Sam’s neck, balancing himself to remove each sock.

Sam kneels in front of him abruptly, his face nuzzling into the hardness threatening escape from Dean’s briefs. He mouths through the fabric along the whole length, his hands caressing up and down the back of Dean’s thighs. He slowly pulls the briefs down and tucks the elastic behind Dean’s balls.

“Look so good like this, Dean,” Sam says, with that dark look back in his eyes.

As good as it feels to hear that, Dean hesitates to answer, unsure if Sam’s going to just want to trade head again, or something else. There’s so much he wants (everything really) and they haven’t talked about this yet. He mentally kicks himself for wanting to talk, he’s the guy that just does, so he reaches down to pull Sam back up and presses their bodies together. He wriggles out of his boxers and revels in the sensations of having all of Sam’s warm skin pressed against his own.

There’s some mind-melting kisses that they trade back and forth and then they’re on the bed, wrapped around each other, hips starting to move together. Dean’s about to ask what Sam wants when his brother gets up off the bed and starts rifling through his duffel bag. He comes back with a tube of lube and a beautiful grin that answers the unasked question.

Dean’s amazed that his body almost hurts from just this short absence of Sam’s touch, he’s already addicted to feeling his brother against him everywhere. Sam’s worked himself open already, before Dean had even had a chance to focus on whose fingers were where. He’s pushing Dean back and straddling his hips, a hand holding him down in the middle of his chest. Sam’s head quirks to the side, oh god, he’s noticed the hesitation.

“Hey, you okay with this?” Sam asks, a tremble in his voice because he’s obviously turned on and now he’s worrying.

How does he manage to keep screwing all of this up? It should be easy, automatic, they love each other, neither of them is going anywhere. Dean can’t think of what to say.

Sam starts to climb off, his face shuttering down into some horrible mishmash of disappointment and shame.

“No, Sammy, wait, I want to try everything…with you,” Dean finally confesses, “I haven’t done this before…you know, with a guy.” He holds on tight to Sam’s hips, keeping him there, hoping it will be enough to make him stay.

Sam’s face opens up again, and it’s the most beautiful damn thing Dean’s seen all day. More beautiful than the brittle fairy perfection of Oberon, or Lisa and Ben hugging Sam as they welcome him into their lives, it’s his brother accepting him, meeting him where he is, and he should have trusted him. He promises himself he always will from here on out.

“I want to try everything with you too, Dean, we can go slower if you want to,” Sam says, a shy smile quirking his graceful lips up in the corners.

Dean pulls him down so he can taste that smile, and it’s the sweetest thing, makes him go crazy with how good Sam tastes. “No, I want this now, just want my turn next time, okay?” Dean whispers against Sam’s lips.

The answer Dean gets is a long groan from Sam where he closes his eyes and kisses Dean frantically. He reaches back and holds Dean steady, slowly sinking down, giving himself time to adjust. Sam takes both of Dean’s hands and holds them when he starts moving his hips, riding Dean in a slow, sensuous roll.

Dean can feel his eyes begin to close with the intense feeling, but Sam squeezes his hands and he re-opens them, focuses on Sam’s eyes. He’s never had someone look at him this way, the love he can see pouring out of Sam is hard to even quantify. He hopes Sam can see the same in his own eyes. He brings their joined hands to his mouth and kisses Sam’s gently, then lets go so he can hold Sam’s hips harder against him. Sam speeds up, losing the rhythm as he chases his orgasm. Tightening his hands on Sam, he plants his feet wide on the bed and thrusts up hard and fast. Sam’s head lolls back and he moans Dean’s name in time with his thrusts, finally tightening up deep inside, so much that Dean can barely keep moving. Dean’s never felt anything like it before, and he manages a few more thrusts of his own into a now pliant Sam, finally letting go with a cry of his brother’s name.

They separate after a few long moments where Dean can feel everything so acutely, he misses the warmth and connection with Sam instantly. Wanting to be back inside of him, maybe stay there a while, forever would be ideal. Sam is cuddling into his side and Dean’s hands are roaming up and down all that glorious bare skin, and he’s struck with how damn happy he is. Not just from the sex, as awesome as that was, it’s how everything between them finally makes sense, it’s working like it probably always should have.

“That was awesome, did you really never do that before?” Sam asks.

“With a couple of women, yeah, but not with a guy,” Dean admits.

“You did other stuff with guys though, right? I mean, I have, although it’s been a while,” Sam says.

“I have, yeah, a little too recently,” Dean says, hoping his words are muffled enough in Sam’s hair.

Sam’s hands go still and Dean can feel his brother’s body go tight all over. “You mean Oberon?”

“I shouldn’t have said…I don’t want to talk about it, Sammy,” Dean says.

“That fucker,” Sam hisses, “I’m gonna—“

“You’re not doing anything, cut it out,” Dean interrupts. “I don’t need a white knight here, okay?”

Sam struggles up to his elbows, looking down at Dean. “If he used the glamour thing on you to get you to do stuff, that’s not okay with me.”

“Let it go, it’s over and done with. Honestly, I barely remember the details, they must have blanked it out for me or something,” Dean says, cursing himself for even talking about this. Way to mess things up between them right from the very start.

“That’s maybe even worse,” Sam growls, flopping back onto the bed and staring up at the ceiling.

“I’m sorry I even said anything,” Dean mumbles, turning over away from Sam, pulling the blankets over himself. He can feel the rigidity of Sam’s body as he silently fumes and he’s cursing his big mouth. This is what he gets for trying this honesty thing out, he should have known.

It’s only a few more moments that feel like forever, but Sam rolls over and spoons him from behind, slotting their naked bodies completely together, holding Dean tightly around his waist. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs into the back of Dean’s neck.

The feeling of Sam’s lips on his skin make everything better instantly, all thoughts of worrying about honesty or holding back fly out the window. This is what he wants, nothing held back between them ever again.

“I didn’t know you were such a jealous guy, Sammy,” Dean says.

“That’s not what this is about, Dean. Well, partly it is, I’ll admit it. But they could have kept you there again today and I don’t know what I’d do…”

“You’d have come in guns blazing to get me, you stupid jealous bastard,” Dean interrupts, rolling over so that he’s smashed up against Sam’s front. He kisses his way along Sam’s neck, hoping to distract him, stop this stupid conversation from going any further.

“Damn right I would have,” Sam says with a growl that should be stupid instead of incredibly sexy.

“I’m not going anywhere, not to Faery, or to Lisa and Ben. You’re stuck with me, dude,” Dean says.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Dean,” Sam says, the honest truth shooting out of him like a searing blow torch that fires up all of Dean’s senses at once.

“I bet that’s not all of what you’ve wanted though,” Dean says, pushing Sam a little so he rolls onto his back. Dean arranges himself on top of Sam, aligning them so that they can slowly rut against each other. He groans when he feels how hard Sam is getting already, he wants to feel that inside of him, right now.

Sam hands him the lube before he can say anything else, spreads his legs and tilts his hips up. Dean fumbles the bottle at first, the stuff is slippery, but then he gets to work, opening himself up for the first time. “This something you’ve done before?” he asks, hoping for Sam to answer no, he wants to be Sam’s first for this.

“No, never, I didn’t want to with anyone like this, except for you,” Sam says, breath gone short with anticipation as he watches Dean writhe on top of him.

“Same here,” Dean says, watching the beautiful dawning of Sam understanding that this desire has always gone both ways between them. They just had to get over the walls they’d built to keep it hidden from each other. “Gonna show you, Sammy.”

Sam holds himself steady as Dean lowers himself down in small increments.

“God, why’d you have to be so huge?” Dean complains.

Sam laughs and it sends him a little deeper inside Dean who gasps at the feeling. “Keep breathing, let me in, a little at a time. Gonna make it so good, Dean,” Sam says, soothing hands stroking Dean’s lower back.

Dean’s hands are gripping so tightly onto Sam’s shoulders, he can see his knuckles going white, so he makes himself listen to Sam’s soothing tones, feels the heat of Sam inside, and wills himself to open enough to take him all the way in. Slowly, so slowly they make it work and he’s never felt anything like this. He’s filled where he never had felt empty before. Sam is taking up all of the room inside of him, and that shouldn’t be anything new, but now it’s their bodies not just his heart, and they’re together, really together and it’s perfect and he knows he’s babbling and he needs to shut up but he can’t and his hips start moving and it’s incredible, something bright and sparking deep inside and he’s going to come oh god too soon he doesn’t want it to ever end and he’s never going anywhere else, never wanting anyone else ever again, and oh Sam.

Dean comes back to himself a bit when Sam is cleaning him up with a warm washcloth. Just enough to feel embarrassed for losing it like that, and he starts trying to apologize but then Sam is wrapping him back up in his orangutan arms and murmuring the same things right back to him. He falls asleep hearing Sam’s promise that he’s never leaving Dean again and the profound joy he feels at those words carries him off to an unexpectedly lovely and restful sort of sleep, wrapped up safe and sound with Sam.

****

Chapter 5

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July 2017

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